The right to face your accuser.

To say it’s been a busy 6 months would be an understatement…

I’ve faced quite a few demons since New Year’s Day and I definitely feel better for it! But how does this relate to autism I hear no one ask?! Well, for a lot of autistic people, myself included, regret from our past selves is a very difficult thing to face. There are lots of different situations over the years that I would have dealt with differently if faced with them today and some I still question as to whether I could do anything differently at all.

The first, and biggest, is my career and music in general. I love music, whether playing or teaching, it’s my life. The past 6 months have been full of performances and opportunities which have made me question whether I could have done more when I was younger. Most of me knows I couldn’t. At 18 I was very young in my mind and I think that only now, at 34, I would have had the maturity to get through and get everything done properly. Back then I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought university was just a natural progression, like GCSE’s to Alevels (not that I did particularly well with those either) but now I see it’s much more of a journey than that. I don’t think I will ever get a second chance at any of it but I’m sure I’m going to spend my life regretting doing everything way too soon and I’ll keep trying to make up for all I missed out on. 

The other side is a social one. There have been a lot of different situations where I have come off very badly and not known why. Sometimes I haven’t even known I have come off badly until I hear gossip a few months later about me and how terrible I am. Trust me, if I could put things right I would, but how am I supposed to if I don’t know who, what, where when or how? The law states that everyone has the right to face their accuser. How can you do that if it is 3rd hand gossip about something that didn’t happen. Or being pointed at through a shop window. Or walking past someone and hearing your name said very loudly then hearing nothing but whispers and stifled giggles. Please know that I feel I have always done my best, but I know I have got things wrong. I would love to put things right, if it is possible. But I don’t think it’s fair for someone to not feel happy walking through their home town incase they bump into another eye roller or hushed whisperer. 

Tell me what I have done, or move on.