No mark sheet for success

 So, as some know, I’m currently doing my master degree (at age 36, I’m so proud I had the confidence to go back) and it’s taken up so much of my time that I’ve barely written a word. For those who read this, I’m sorry. I am still thinking though. Every now and again I write a draft that doesn’t quite make it and then shelve it but today’s the day. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently around people who are way more successful than myself. I quickly want to add that they are also older, but my brain doesn’t recognise that. Every single one of these people has worked so very hard to be where they are and I find myself trying to understand how they did it, almost like trying to make a success instruction manual in my head. I am so desperate to be autistic AND successful. 

I do recognise that I work hard and I’ve achieved a lot. But it’s never enough unfortunately. I can’t understand why I’m not further ahead. Completely irrational. 

But I also get such a strong fear of failure that I end up not doing anything at all. I have massive ideas. Such great ideas and no will to carry them out incase I put so much working into them and then it ends up failing. 

I’m fully aware failure is part of life and trust me, I have had a lot of experience of failure (and success) but it’s memories of my earliest failures that put me off trying later on. Studying every night to try and keep up with topics of conversation only for everyone to have moved on the next day, analysing rooms of people to try and make myself less weird but unfortunately being the weirdo because of it, approaching groups of popular people just to be shut down with no feedback. I have always wanted to improve because I knew that being naturally me was unsuccessful. Now I’ve just got a grip on social norms, I’m now facing what it means to be successful in my career, a job no one actually considers to be a job. But I won’t go into that at the moment. 

A lot of the time, my fear of failure is because I don’t want to have put all the work in to be let down. Last year I felt this. I put 9 months of work in to 3 assignments totalling 12300 words. I had no idea if it would be successful, I just followed the rules given and gave it a shot. That shot paid off with getting 76% average across all. But there is no matrix for life, no mark sheet for success, so how do we know?

I’m guessing we don’t. Let me know your thoughts. ❤️ 

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.

Anyone who has met me or seen my picture knows I’m big. It’s definitely not a secret. Over the past few months I have been exploring a diet in the hope it will be the one that will change my life, this has obviously not happened yet. 

Before I go any further, I just want to say that no matter who you are or what you look like, it’s fine. As someone who has had people feel like it was constantly ok for them to pass judgement (even people who have only met me once) on my appearance because of social norms and what they think they know, I’m not saying this is for everyone. These are just my ideas and what I have tried for me. If it helps because you want it to, great, if it doesn’t or you don’t want it to, also great. I’ll do me, you do you. 

So, I have always been heavy. At the moment I’m 19 stones (that’s 120.5kg for you metric people) and I would say 50/50 on happy and sad about it. To put it into context, 3 months ago I was 20st (6.5kg heavier). So obviously I’m happy that I’ve lost weight, I’m happy that my clothes fit better, I’m happy that my back hurts a little less. Unfortunately I’m now falling away from it. I am doing a specific online plan. I’ve come back to it in several points in my life because I know it works, it’s healthy, it’s well established and not a fad, that problem is me. I start to self sabotage. It’s not shiny and exciting anymore and isn’t convenient so it gets binned off in favour of chicken nuggets and the weight comes back on, then I get sad. It was very easy in the summer holidays because I had no work to do. More work, less prep time to cook and instead of solving the problem, I just go to fast food. This has been the cycle of my life. 

What’s made it worse is when people think it’s their right to tell me everything I’m doing wrong. Like I’m an easy fix. That is also something I’ve had my whole life. This has lead me to think about whether my over eating is linked to my neurology. Is there something in my autistic self that leads me to addictive behaviours? This question, I will answer but not right now. For now, I’m addressing my feelings. My feelings on people highlighting my failures, my feelings on feeling my own failures and in an otherwise perfectly healthy body, why do I care? 

I care because I have an addictive compulsion that my autism wants to control but can’t. Health is something that does scare me. I want to be around for as long as I possibly can, quite frankly because I have things I need to get done! But I do feel like this is one of those things. I feel like it’s something I need to fix in myself because it’s a part of me I don’t like. It’s not about appearance, it’s about challenges and healing myself. 

What do I want to be when I grow up?

So, I wrote this 4 years ago and never published it as I couldn’t finish it. Today, I feel like I can. 

“What do I actually want to be? 

"But Jayne, you're 32! Of course you know what you want to be, you're a grown up!"

That's what we are lead to believe, isn't it. But really I wouldn't say that at all. 

At this time of year (GCSE and A Level exam time in the UK) I have kids coming for lessons who are facing the pressure of this question from their whole world. One student came in and told me, through a lot of tears, that teachers had told them this week that if they didn't get certain results in their GCSEs, they would never get a job, something I know to be complete rubbish. 

We are given an impression from a very early age that we need to know exactly what we want to do and then expected to achieve it. I felt lucky that I knew from being in primary school what I wanted to be, but what if that changes? What if the golden ideal of that particular job is not what it seems when you get anywhere close? 

As for me, I have always been hyper focused on becoming a teacher and now I am one. But something I have found is that, especially recently, is it enough?”

This is interesting as I remember feeling this way. It’s a feeling I had up until I took a leap last year and applied for my master’s degree. I’m now in my second year, great scores last year on all assignments and I can honestly say, I still want to be a teacher. Im growing up with this profession and everyday witnessing how amazing it can be. This is why I haven’t written in a while but it’s so wonderful to see people are still reading this blog. 

Universities are so much better at assisting and understanding autism and I do want to write a post about my uni experience, but not now. There’s a lot cooking at the moment, but I am still here! 

The right to face your accuser.

To say it’s been a busy 6 months would be an understatement…

I’ve faced quite a few demons since New Year’s Day and I definitely feel better for it! But how does this relate to autism I hear no one ask?! Well, for a lot of autistic people, myself included, regret from our past selves is a very difficult thing to face. There are lots of different situations over the years that I would have dealt with differently if faced with them today and some I still question as to whether I could do anything differently at all.

The first, and biggest, is my career and music in general. I love music, whether playing or teaching, it’s my life. The past 6 months have been full of performances and opportunities which have made me question whether I could have done more when I was younger. Most of me knows I couldn’t. At 18 I was very young in my mind and I think that only now, at 34, I would have had the maturity to get through and get everything done properly. Back then I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought university was just a natural progression, like GCSE’s to Alevels (not that I did particularly well with those either) but now I see it’s much more of a journey than that. I don’t think I will ever get a second chance at any of it but I’m sure I’m going to spend my life regretting doing everything way too soon and I’ll keep trying to make up for all I missed out on. 

The other side is a social one. There have been a lot of different situations where I have come off very badly and not known why. Sometimes I haven’t even known I have come off badly until I hear gossip a few months later about me and how terrible I am. Trust me, if I could put things right I would, but how am I supposed to if I don’t know who, what, where when or how? The law states that everyone has the right to face their accuser. How can you do that if it is 3rd hand gossip about something that didn’t happen. Or being pointed at through a shop window. Or walking past someone and hearing your name said very loudly then hearing nothing but whispers and stifled giggles. Please know that I feel I have always done my best, but I know I have got things wrong. I would love to put things right, if it is possible. But I don’t think it’s fair for someone to not feel happy walking through their home town incase they bump into another eye roller or hushed whisperer. 

Tell me what I have done, or move on. 

And a Happy New Year…?

Please remember that this time of year can be very confusing for neurospicy folks. 

I sat and wondered why this year had been so quiet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely. Close family, the occasional friend visiting, lots of time with my son and husband. But it got me thinking about occasions and organising them. 

The invite process is as confusing for me as crushes are to a teenager. 

Do they like me? 

They do like me? 

Should I talk to them? 

Do they want to talk to me? 

What if they’re busy? 

What if they’re lonely? 

What if they feel the same way as I do? 

And so on and so on. 

Simple friendships are hard to navigate after being burned so many times. Earlier in my life, I would say end of high school, beginning of university, I was very open and friendly. I would bounce up to people and ask if they wanted to hang out, or go for a drink. I would message them or call them up. I wouldn’t ever think if they wanted me around. 

Turns out, a lot of them didn’t. In fact most people didn’t want me around, unless they needed something. I was told by a drunken first year, when in my second year of university. 

“Yeah, everybody calls you Fat Jayne, didn’t you know? It’s common knowledge”

I spoke to some of my friends about it and they said they knew but tried to not let me find out. And honestly, I really did appreciate that. 

I know that I was full on and very over friendly. Looking back I can see I was like a drunk Labrador puppy… but I do believe I wasn’t as mentally mature as everyone around me. I felt like a kid in a room full of adults. I now know that it was autism. Funny how most people around me could see it and I couldn’t. 

There were many other incidences like this too. And some which I have never resolved. Mainly the question, “Did they actually like me?”. 

After so much hurt, I speak when spoken to, I go when invited and I always feel that everyone is just being nice and can’t wait to move away. It’s the safest. 

Especially at this time of year, please reach out to your neurospicy friends. Drop them a message and let them know how things are. They could be sat wondering if you actually want them around. If their experiences are like mine, they won’t be organising parties, just incase no one comes. They won’t be sending messages incase it bothers people. (I can sometimes see people rolling their eyes in my head as I press send) They won’t be inviting themselves to the “open invitation” because what if people are “just being nice”. 

Just be honest. 

Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings. ❤️❄️☃️🎅🏻🌨️🎄🕎🌰🎉🥳🎊🎍

Spare Change?

Have you ever been so upset or angry that your words get knotted up?

When explaining how you feel becomes so difficult that your words explode out of you in any order they can? 

As you can see by how long it’s been since I’ve posted, things have been very busy. Changes in work, home, family and life. Too many social events, not enough sleep. Everything feels upside down. I will go into that more soon. 

I do much prefer writing things down to organise my thoughts as I can move it around until the broken pieces fit back together. I can’t tell you how difficult that is with speech. You can hit back space when you say something in the wrong order or use words you didn’t mean. You can’t look up an alternative for words that are too strong to fit your emotions. 

Everything is live. 

Everything is raw. 

Sometimes in a meltdown I am so desperate for change I don’t know what that change looks like. I ramble about how it could be this and that but don’t express what I need. Because I don’t know what I need. I contradict myself and wrap myself up in verbal vines. I then struggle to break free as people start adding their own. 

“But you said this?”

“Didn’t you want that?”

“I’m just trying to get my head around it”

“That doesn’t make sense”

All tiny off shoots which continue the constricting mess I’m in. It makes me feel like they feel that I’m trying to manipulate them or the situation. 

I want to be able to face a confusing situation with a cool head but never manage to, which is frustrating in itself. 

It makes me worry that people will eventually get bored and stop listening. Unfortunately, this fear has anecdotal evidence to back it up. In my head I can feel people slipping away and there’s nothing I can do about it. Meltdown me is not a nice person to be around. 

In those moments she does want someone to speak for her. To make less mess and say what’s in her heart without the tangle. But that’s never possible. 

Merry Christmas Everyone

Merry Christmas!!

This year has been a very interesting one. Our first year of homeschool has passed (and gone better than we ever could have imagined!) we have moved into our new home (hopefully never to move again!) and many concerts, performances and work hours have been completed and enjoyed. 

As we approach the new year we are reflecting on everything that has been and gone and what we have to look forward to and we are very hopeful of the year to come. I’m hoping to write more and delve into topics unexplored. Thank you for all the support from when I started my tiny autistic blog. 

Merry Christmas everyone and we wish you all the best for the new year! 

Much love. X