Spare Change?

Have you ever been so upset or angry that your words get knotted up?

When explaining how you feel becomes so difficult that your words explode out of you in any order they can? 

As you can see by how long it’s been since I’ve posted, things have been very busy. Changes in work, home, family and life. Too many social events, not enough sleep. Everything feels upside down. I will go into that more soon. 

I do much prefer writing things down to organise my thoughts as I can move it around until the broken pieces fit back together. I can’t tell you how difficult that is with speech. You can hit back space when you say something in the wrong order or use words you didn’t mean. You can’t look up an alternative for words that are too strong to fit your emotions. 

Everything is live. 

Everything is raw. 

Sometimes in a meltdown I am so desperate for change I don’t know what that change looks like. I ramble about how it could be this and that but don’t express what I need. Because I don’t know what I need. I contradict myself and wrap myself up in verbal vines. I then struggle to break free as people start adding their own. 

“But you said this?”

“Didn’t you want that?”

“I’m just trying to get my head around it”

“That doesn’t make sense”

All tiny off shoots which continue the constricting mess I’m in. It makes me feel like they feel that I’m trying to manipulate them or the situation. 

I want to be able to face a confusing situation with a cool head but never manage to, which is frustrating in itself. 

It makes me worry that people will eventually get bored and stop listening. Unfortunately, this fear has anecdotal evidence to back it up. In my head I can feel people slipping away and there’s nothing I can do about it. Meltdown me is not a nice person to be around. 

In those moments she does want someone to speak for her. To make less mess and say what’s in her heart without the tangle. But that’s never possible.