Our Mental Health

According to “Autistica” 80% of autistic people experience mental health issues.* I’d be startled by this if it didn’t feel so on point. 

The past few months my mental health has not been in the best place. I’ve finally got around to writing it down today. I wish you could see the editors page on here, it’s full of unfinished pieces that I just didn’t have the heart to send out. In fact, if this one makes it out there, I’ll be surprised. 

It’s currently 2:00am and I’m still awake. My mind is clawing at ridiculous things and no matter how much I try to convince myself that everything’s fine, something more intense but equally stupid pops up. What if you can’t do this? What if this goes wrong? What if? What if? WHAT IF? 

It feels like guilt for something I haven’t done. 

Part of my autism, like so many others, is ignorance. Feeling like everything is fine until someone comes along and makes you feel bad for something you didn’t know you were or were not doing. 

It could be something small like not picking up socks, or quite substantial like not looking after your health or missing a certain responsibility. Either way, it usually ends with “You should’ve known that!”. 

The best way I can describe how this feels is this;

Imagine you’re in a park, walking, smelling the flowers and minding your own business, enjoying yourself. Then you turn around and someone runs up to you really fast, slaps you in the face really hard and yells, “You know why you deserved that!” And then runs off again. Enough slaps and you’d be looking over your shoulder everyday right? 

The older I get, the more it turns into paranoia. That feeling you get when you’re not sure if you’ve locked the door, or left the oven on but 24/7/365 about something you can’t put your finger on. Then you get scared to ask anyone incase you look like a fool or worse. 

How do you put this right?

I wish I knew. But it’s landed me in a stew a few times a week since I can remember. It’s snowballed since university and now it seems like there is no end, only coping. 

Any tips, let me know…

* https://www.autistica.org.uk/downloads/files/Mental-health-autism-E-LEAFLET.pdf