Anyone who has met me or seen my picture knows I’m big. It’s definitely not a secret. Over the past few months I have been exploring a diet in the hope it will be the one that will change my life, this has obviously not happened yet.
Before I go any further, I just want to say that no matter who you are or what you look like, it’s fine. As someone who has had people feel like it was constantly ok for them to pass judgement (even people who have only met me once) on my appearance because of social norms and what they think they know, I’m not saying this is for everyone. These are just my ideas and what I have tried for me. If it helps because you want it to, great, if it doesn’t or you don’t want it to, also great. I’ll do me, you do you.
So, I have always been heavy. At the moment I’m 19 stones (that’s 120.5kg for you metric people) and I would say 50/50 on happy and sad about it. To put it into context, 3 months ago I was 20st (6.5kg heavier). So obviously I’m happy that I’ve lost weight, I’m happy that my clothes fit better, I’m happy that my back hurts a little less. Unfortunately I’m now falling away from it. I am doing a specific online plan. I’ve come back to it in several points in my life because I know it works, it’s healthy, it’s well established and not a fad, that problem is me. I start to self sabotage. It’s not shiny and exciting anymore and isn’t convenient so it gets binned off in favour of chicken nuggets and the weight comes back on, then I get sad. It was very easy in the summer holidays because I had no work to do. More work, less prep time to cook and instead of solving the problem, I just go to fast food. This has been the cycle of my life.
What’s made it worse is when people think it’s their right to tell me everything I’m doing wrong. Like I’m an easy fix. That is also something I’ve had my whole life. This has lead me to think about whether my over eating is linked to my neurology. Is there something in my autistic self that leads me to addictive behaviours? This question, I will answer but not right now. For now, I’m addressing my feelings. My feelings on people highlighting my failures, my feelings on feeling my own failures and in an otherwise perfectly healthy body, why do I care?
I care because I have an addictive compulsion that my autism wants to control but can’t. Health is something that does scare me. I want to be around for as long as I possibly can, quite frankly because I have things I need to get done! But I do feel like this is one of those things. I feel like it’s something I need to fix in myself because it’s a part of me I don’t like. It’s not about appearance, it’s about challenges and healing myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment