I have tried writing this piece several times over the course of the week. Looking at every possible angle to see what positives I can draw out of this. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can.
Meltdowns are horrible.
They are nasty for us, those related to us and those within 10 feet of us.
They can be caused by a lot of things, but I do have one announcement before I continue.
Meltdowns are not tantrums.
Meltdowns are not tantrums!
MELTDOWNS ARE NOT TANTRUMS!!!
There, that’s better.
A tantrum is getting cross because you can’t have what you want, usually attributed to toddlers and spoiled children and adults alike.
A meltdown is getting so frustrated with the world that your emotions can’t be held back. It can be crying, screaming, falling silent, moving, being still; anything really. It doesn't stop at a certain age, or at least I know they do not stop before age 31, and they are unpredictable and mostly unexpected.
We spend more time holding back than we do being ourselves and sometimes we can’t keep doing it. The floodgates open and the crushing waters of misunderstanding sweep everything clean from its path. Meltdowns are not about anger. Sometimes, I feel, it is my minds way of flushing out the bad and leaving a blank slate for me to start over. I can rarely tell when one is coming, or discern that a meltdown is in progress, but the clarity afterwards makes me realise what has happened as well as what to do next.
My meltdowns recently have been caused by change, as you know from my previous ramblings. My symptoms are personal and maybe someday I will share them, but for now I can only say that they are as cleansing as they are destructive. Meltdowns are never what we want. I feel shame and guilt for days, weeks, a lifetime afterwards. No matter how many times I go back and analyse the causes or the actions there doesn't seem to be much in the way of preventative action I can take. My only grace is a loving and supportive family unit and the will to keep pushing forwards.
For most of my life I had no idea that meltdowns existed. As I have mentioned before I have been called many things and probably as a result of someone witnessing these events. Now that I have a name for it, I know what I am dealing with and it is incredibly empowering. I know that when I feel like a shaken up bottle of pop, I can excuse myself to loosen the cap in private and deal with it, that is, when I sense it's coming... Unfortunately that isn't always the case and I have learned to be quick to apologise when someone is caught in the crossfire as, for me and my actions, "Meltdown" has never been a justification.
It's very difficult though when these incidents are deliberately provoked. When someone witnesses your pain and sets about to make life just uncomfortable enough to spark that reaction in you for their entertainment, it is cruel but how some people get their kicks. This happens for a lot of autistic people and there are many derogatory expressions related to it, especially in the gaming community.
All we need is time. Time and a little room to breathe.
Meltdowns are so hard to talk about but I feel better for making a start.
For anyone going through these issues, there is always a calm after the storm.
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