To get some sleep, would be a fine thing.

I find it very easy to hate myself. 

This is one of the reasons I’m writing this at 5:30am. I can’t sleep and it’s down to thinking of all of the stupid things I did when I was younger. Things I didn’t realise were wrong or would get me into trouble. Things I didn’t realise that I would regret 10 years later. Things that make me hate being autistic. 

It’s these shoulda’, woulda’, coulda’s that keep my brain from resting. These suspended ‘If’s and Then’s’ that’s make the cogs turn and keep my eyes weary 24/7. 

“If I’d have known I was autistic, then maybe I would have not made such an idiot out of myself at university.”

“Somebody coulda’ told me I was wrong, instead of leaving me to it so they could have a laugh at me.”

It makes it very difficult for me to accept who I am. It also makes it very difficult to not be over-protective as a parent. There’s no way my son should have to go through the same thing but I can’t be certain as to whether he will or won’t. 

I have now been diagnosed with stress. It started with sleepless nights, now it’s pressure headaches, being constantly agitated and struggling to see. I won’t go into too much detail, and to be honest can’t, but suffice it to say, it’s been a long time coming. I have a lot on my plate. Work, parenthood, a never ending list of domestic chores, and only just enough money to stay afloat. I am very lucky, and I understand that and it’s a speech I get a lot from so many people. 

“At least you have (insert thing to be grateful for here). You should be happy.”

And a lot of the time, I am. But you can’t diminish someone’s problems because they have good things going on in their lives, everyone has problems. I am drifting into just straight complaining though. 

To return to the point, autism isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I found I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I was different, as in the moment I couldn’t see it, but looking back it was blatantly obvious. I now have a long and haunting list of regrets that play in cinematic format through my brain when I so much as close my eyes. 

It was never intentional though. I never set out to paint myself as stupid or naive. It’s just was. 

I’m sorry this post is all ramble and no point but this is how it is when you are still staring at the ceiling at 6am…