Like a Phoenix

Today is the day that I’m “getting back on track.”! 

I’m going to go back on my diet, work harder and smarter, write more and play my instruments more, exercise more often, sleep a full 8 hours and finally achieve my goals!! All this while working 4 jobs and finishing a house purchase/move (yes that still going on…) and raising my child! 

Heard it all before, right? Yeah…

I’ve taken a few months off writing because things have been tough and I have let everything slide.  All of the above has crashed and burned, so I do need to fix it. But I’m not going to do it in a flurry of New Year’s madness. I just need time to repair and get back on track. 

I like the phoenix as a metaphor but not for the average persons’ reason. 

Most believe that a phoenix rises from its ashes to conquer all, swishing and swooping in a flurry of colour and shimmering light. This might be true but as it’s a mythical creature, I would say I’m allowed my own take. 

I see a phoenix as being a symbol of constant renewal. Yes, they live forever but after some years they start to lose their lustre and go to self-destruct. They then burst into flame and burn away all of the hurt and hideousness, emerging fresh and new to face the world again. This is a constant process, not just a one off thing. They are reborn, they fall, they burn, they brush off the ashes and are reborn again only to repeat the cycle through life. 

Just as a toddler picks themselves up off the floor countless times when learning to walk, I have to accepted that my changes will not be over night or continuous. 

I will fall and fail and that what my autistic mind has problems with. I like to know that everything will be constant. Once I make a decision, it will be so and it will be final. With personal growth, this is not the case. I know it but it doesn’t mean I can’t have meltdowns about it from time to time. I just need to think of it as me burning away my self-doubt and mistakes.

So yes, I am going to go back on my diet. I am going to work harder and smarter, write more and play my instruments more, exercise more often, sleep a full 8 hours and finally achieve my goals. But not all at once, in layers because I am working 4 jobs and finishing a house purchase/move and raising my child.