The right to face your accuser.

To say it’s been a busy 6 months would be an understatement…

I’ve faced quite a few demons since New Year’s Day and I definitely feel better for it! But how does this relate to autism I hear no one ask?! Well, for a lot of autistic people, myself included, regret from our past selves is a very difficult thing to face. There are lots of different situations over the years that I would have dealt with differently if faced with them today and some I still question as to whether I could do anything differently at all.

The first, and biggest, is my career and music in general. I love music, whether playing or teaching, it’s my life. The past 6 months have been full of performances and opportunities which have made me question whether I could have done more when I was younger. Most of me knows I couldn’t. At 18 I was very young in my mind and I think that only now, at 34, I would have had the maturity to get through and get everything done properly. Back then I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought university was just a natural progression, like GCSE’s to Alevels (not that I did particularly well with those either) but now I see it’s much more of a journey than that. I don’t think I will ever get a second chance at any of it but I’m sure I’m going to spend my life regretting doing everything way too soon and I’ll keep trying to make up for all I missed out on. 

The other side is a social one. There have been a lot of different situations where I have come off very badly and not known why. Sometimes I haven’t even known I have come off badly until I hear gossip a few months later about me and how terrible I am. Trust me, if I could put things right I would, but how am I supposed to if I don’t know who, what, where when or how? The law states that everyone has the right to face their accuser. How can you do that if it is 3rd hand gossip about something that didn’t happen. Or being pointed at through a shop window. Or walking past someone and hearing your name said very loudly then hearing nothing but whispers and stifled giggles. Please know that I feel I have always done my best, but I know I have got things wrong. I would love to put things right, if it is possible. But I don’t think it’s fair for someone to not feel happy walking through their home town incase they bump into another eye roller or hushed whisperer. 

Tell me what I have done, or move on. 

And a Happy New Year…?

Please remember that this time of year can be very confusing for neurospicy folks. 

I sat and wondered why this year had been so quiet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been lovely. Close family, the occasional friend visiting, lots of time with my son and husband. But it got me thinking about occasions and organising them. 

The invite process is as confusing for me as crushes are to a teenager. 

Do they like me? 

They do like me? 

Should I talk to them? 

Do they want to talk to me? 

What if they’re busy? 

What if they’re lonely? 

What if they feel the same way as I do? 

And so on and so on. 

Simple friendships are hard to navigate after being burned so many times. Earlier in my life, I would say end of high school, beginning of university, I was very open and friendly. I would bounce up to people and ask if they wanted to hang out, or go for a drink. I would message them or call them up. I wouldn’t ever think if they wanted me around. 

Turns out, a lot of them didn’t. In fact most people didn’t want me around, unless they needed something. I was told by a drunken first year, when in my second year of university. 

“Yeah, everybody calls you Fat Jayne, didn’t you know? It’s common knowledge”

I spoke to some of my friends about it and they said they knew but tried to not let me find out. And honestly, I really did appreciate that. 

I know that I was full on and very over friendly. Looking back I can see I was like a drunk Labrador puppy… but I do believe I wasn’t as mentally mature as everyone around me. I felt like a kid in a room full of adults. I now know that it was autism. Funny how most people around me could see it and I couldn’t. 

There were many other incidences like this too. And some which I have never resolved. Mainly the question, “Did they actually like me?”. 

After so much hurt, I speak when spoken to, I go when invited and I always feel that everyone is just being nice and can’t wait to move away. It’s the safest. 

Especially at this time of year, please reach out to your neurospicy friends. Drop them a message and let them know how things are. They could be sat wondering if you actually want them around. If their experiences are like mine, they won’t be organising parties, just incase no one comes. They won’t be sending messages incase it bothers people. (I can sometimes see people rolling their eyes in my head as I press send) They won’t be inviting themselves to the “open invitation” because what if people are “just being nice”. 

Just be honest. 

Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings. ❤️❄️☃️🎅🏻🌨️🎄🕎🌰🎉🥳🎊🎍

Spare Change?

Have you ever been so upset or angry that your words get knotted up?

When explaining how you feel becomes so difficult that your words explode out of you in any order they can? 

As you can see by how long it’s been since I’ve posted, things have been very busy. Changes in work, home, family and life. Too many social events, not enough sleep. Everything feels upside down. I will go into that more soon. 

I do much prefer writing things down to organise my thoughts as I can move it around until the broken pieces fit back together. I can’t tell you how difficult that is with speech. You can hit back space when you say something in the wrong order or use words you didn’t mean. You can’t look up an alternative for words that are too strong to fit your emotions. 

Everything is live. 

Everything is raw. 

Sometimes in a meltdown I am so desperate for change I don’t know what that change looks like. I ramble about how it could be this and that but don’t express what I need. Because I don’t know what I need. I contradict myself and wrap myself up in verbal vines. I then struggle to break free as people start adding their own. 

“But you said this?”

“Didn’t you want that?”

“I’m just trying to get my head around it”

“That doesn’t make sense”

All tiny off shoots which continue the constricting mess I’m in. It makes me feel like they feel that I’m trying to manipulate them or the situation. 

I want to be able to face a confusing situation with a cool head but never manage to, which is frustrating in itself. 

It makes me worry that people will eventually get bored and stop listening. Unfortunately, this fear has anecdotal evidence to back it up. In my head I can feel people slipping away and there’s nothing I can do about it. Meltdown me is not a nice person to be around. 

In those moments she does want someone to speak for her. To make less mess and say what’s in her heart without the tangle. But that’s never possible. 

Merry Christmas Everyone

Merry Christmas!!

This year has been a very interesting one. Our first year of homeschool has passed (and gone better than we ever could have imagined!) we have moved into our new home (hopefully never to move again!) and many concerts, performances and work hours have been completed and enjoyed. 

As we approach the new year we are reflecting on everything that has been and gone and what we have to look forward to and we are very hopeful of the year to come. I’m hoping to write more and delve into topics unexplored. Thank you for all the support from when I started my tiny autistic blog. 

Merry Christmas everyone and we wish you all the best for the new year! 

Much love. X

Disney Plus Day

While scrolling through twitter, I noticed a hashtag. A hashtag that made my eyes roll and my head slightly ache. 

#DisneyPlusDay

This is all I have heard about for about a month and it’s finally here! Even as I am writing this, my son is shouting “MUM! ITS DISNEY PLUS DAY!!!”

As you know, I am autistic. But, my son and husband also are. (It’s in the genes, you know! 🧐) I’m not particularly bothered about when a streaming service adds new content, unless it’s Stranger Things of course, but I do understand why the other two can’t wait. 

When we love, we love hard. When we look forward to something, we throw our all into it. Some call it obsession, but it’s just who we are. There are a few autistic stereotypes (shock horror!!) that need to be swept away. 

The first: That we don’t feel. 

A common misconception about autistics is that we don’t feel because we don’t say anything. non-verbal Does not equal non-feeling. For my family, it’s very much the opposite. We feel very deeply.

The second: That you have to be non-verbal to be autistic.

I can’t speak for all autistic people because I am not all autistic people, but most of the autistics I know can speak, they just express their emotions in a way only some people can understand. We come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and stages of being able to speak. On the right subject, my family is VERY verbal. Like with #DisneyPlusDay but ask them why they are upset and the house has never been more silent. Also, speaking and using words are different things. But I’m sure you knew that. 🤔 

I will write more about this now that I’m out of hibernation again (another topic on my hit list) but for now I will say this:

Autism might not potentially be what you think it is, and that is ok. I’m pretty sure most of you won’t, but just incase you get the urge to, please don’t tell people they “can’t be autistic” because they don’t fit the stereotype. Thanks! 😉 

Anyway, back to #DisneyPlusDay 

I have a very different reason for looking forward to it. Like I said before, when my family loves, they love hard. Today is going to be electric with the feeling of two autistic guys who just can’t wait for something. It’s the kind of energy you can’t escape from. It’s contagious. So what I can’t wait for, is seeing my guys bounce off the walls about something in what has been a tricky year. 

And Thor… 🤫 😆 

Times are changin’….

I’m pretty sure most of you will be aware of the UK’s current political state. 

BoJo is leaving. 

With this being an autism blog (and me not being a political boffin) I don’t want to go into the ins and outs. However, this did prompt me to write a blog on political views. Not MY political views, heavens no! Don’t be silly! I’m smart enough to know that, when it comes to politics, living out loud is a dangerous game. 

But that leads me onto my point. 

Firstly, knowing who or when to share your political opinion is difficult. I find that when the country is in political flux, it can be one of my most mask heavy periods. 

I do wonder whether this is something Neurotypicals and Neurodivergents can agree on.

When you’re with a group of shouting Tories, do you wave a blue flag? What about red for labour? Do you speak up against certain policies or parties or just wait until the conversation changes? Are you a Devil’s advocate and go against the grain just to see sparks fly? Are you worried about saying the wrong thing in the wrong company and being launched into outer space for it? Or being asked to justify what you think and how you feel 200 times before being allowed to leave the dinner table? 

If you do, welcome to the club. This is how conversations are for me no matter what the subject is so, I’m already there. Masking is (for me anyway) sussing out the conversation and how everyone in the group leans, then chiming in (mostly unsuccessfully) with subject matter that I think fits. This usually goes wrong and ends up with me being found out. Politics is a favourite of mine because the rules are actually in law. (Yay! No need for interpretation!) I don’t have to share, and I can share what I want, with whom ever I choose. Obviously I choose not to share, as I’m old enough to realise you will never be right in this field. I have a few people I can discuss politics with, just as a I have a small music based discussion bubble. Every other situation I just nod and smile. Why? Because it’s safe and I’ve got too much on to be dodging social conflict for the sake of someone I haven’t met. 

Secondly, I know that politics is a world of change but for some Autistics this could be a difficult time. Even if they don’t know much about the Tories’ political stand point, like my nearly 9 year old son, they have had a person in charge of the country for just under two years which is now going to suddenly change.

It’s really hard to describe the feeling but it’s mainly “What happens next?” (Cue knot in stomach for no reason) and “Who’s coming next?”. There are some people who have had ideas that have sent shivers up my spine with regards education, health care, special needs access, and now the state of home education. Are they going to be the next “elected” leader? 

No matter how you feel about Alexander Boris de Pfeffer Johnson, a change in leadership is always an interesting time. 

I was going to write “I’m hoping they make the right choice” but is there one? 

Our Mental Health

According to “Autistica” 80% of autistic people experience mental health issues.* I’d be startled by this if it didn’t feel so on point. 

The past few months my mental health has not been in the best place. I’ve finally got around to writing it down today. I wish you could see the editors page on here, it’s full of unfinished pieces that I just didn’t have the heart to send out. In fact, if this one makes it out there, I’ll be surprised. 

It’s currently 2:00am and I’m still awake. My mind is clawing at ridiculous things and no matter how much I try to convince myself that everything’s fine, something more intense but equally stupid pops up. What if you can’t do this? What if this goes wrong? What if? What if? WHAT IF? 

It feels like guilt for something I haven’t done. 

Part of my autism, like so many others, is ignorance. Feeling like everything is fine until someone comes along and makes you feel bad for something you didn’t know you were or were not doing. 

It could be something small like not picking up socks, or quite substantial like not looking after your health or missing a certain responsibility. Either way, it usually ends with “You should’ve known that!”. 

The best way I can describe how this feels is this;

Imagine you’re in a park, walking, smelling the flowers and minding your own business, enjoying yourself. Then you turn around and someone runs up to you really fast, slaps you in the face really hard and yells, “You know why you deserved that!” And then runs off again. Enough slaps and you’d be looking over your shoulder everyday right? 

The older I get, the more it turns into paranoia. That feeling you get when you’re not sure if you’ve locked the door, or left the oven on but 24/7/365 about something you can’t put your finger on. Then you get scared to ask anyone incase you look like a fool or worse. 

How do you put this right?

I wish I knew. But it’s landed me in a stew a few times a week since I can remember. It’s snowballed since university and now it seems like there is no end, only coping. 

Any tips, let me know…

* https://www.autistica.org.uk/downloads/files/Mental-health-autism-E-LEAFLET.pdf