A Fraud

I have never been a decisive person and questioning everything is a massive part of my day to day life. 

"Does this top look right or should I change?"

"Should I clean the kitchen or the living room first?" 

"Will eating this muffin break my diet?"

These are the easier questions I face daily. Some are not as easy.

"Was that the right parenting call?

"At work, do I actually know what I'm taking about?"

"Am I a fraud or should I keep going?"

The feelings of inadiquacy and self doubt do linger somewhat, especially after certain social interactions. 

Now I know that this isn't necessarily an autistic trait and I'm sure the most self assured person has their foundations shaken occasionally, but I do think that a lot of my confidence issues stem from how people have treated me in past and a lot of that is down to me having autism.

I was brought up to have self confidence and to know that the world was my oyster, and I'm so grateful for that. From an early age I was complimented, praised and raised up by my family, but as you get older that is drowned out by other voices. Peers, teachers, colleagues, sometimes people you have only just met decide that it's their duty to tell you that you are wrong for what ever reason. Sometimes this is justified and I don't want you to think that I want to live in a land where everyone can do whatever they want, no questions asked. But what if everything you did (or didn't do) was questioned to the point that you didn't know which way was up? 

"Why are you eating that?"

"Why do you dress that way?"

"You think you can sing?"

"You want to do that for a job?"

"Didn't you know that was a silly thing to do?"

"What is wrong with you?"

Until eventually, every minute of every day becomes an internal chess match. Trying to find a move to secure success but never knowing what's the opposing move is going to be or when it's going to strike. 

I do feel that, as an autistic person, there is a rule book that I'm not allowed see but others are allowed to judge me on. The feeling that my every move has to be perfect or the whole world will burst into laughter. Sounds a little paranoid, right? Well, unfortunately not, as whenever I feel comfortable in who I am and what I do, there is always someone who pops my confidence balloon and makes me shrivel away to nothing again. 

Part of me would love to be blissfully unaware of what is said, and for a long time I was. It wasn't until university that I started to realise that I was so very different to a lot of other people. My experiences there definitely sparked and fuelled my present day paranoia. I just really hope that those people have now realised how cruel that were and have decided not victimise people for being different. 

However, even though I have a lot of confidence tangles its very important I unpick them as they arise. Questioning myself can also have benefits, it just depends on how I answer the questions that arise. 

"Why do I care what people think?"

I have been burned many times before, but it's ok, life is better now.

"Can I play this piece well?" 

Yes, but let's keep practicing just to move forward.

"Should I keep writing this blog?"

Yeah, why not?

"Am I good at my job, or am I just a fraud?" 

Yes I am good, but it doesn't hurt to keep learning. 

Questioning can be healthy, providing the tone is right. I now know that I am not rubbish and just need a bit of additional support and asking for that support does not make me stupid or weak. It's just a shame it took so long for me to realise it.

You can't stop people from questioning you, but you can choose how to answer them. 

You can't change negative people but you can remove yourself from them. 

You don't owe anyone so much that you have to make yourself ill over pleasing them. 

And above all else...

You need to be kind to yourself.